standard supermarket birthday cake

fbcakePreliminary research showed that ASDA would be the best large supermarket out of the two closest ones for me to get cake from.

sainsburys cake

asda cake

ASDA is part of the Wal*Mart family and birthday cakes are special to families. The selection in the shop matched up pretty well with the online list. The twenty quid Disney Princess Birthday Cake was there.


It looked pink. It contained an edible model of a bronze age round barrow, the remains of three of the princesses interred within. The Peppa Pig cake looked pretty rad and it weighed very much. However, it was much more cake than I wanted so I chose the cheapest, most plain and typical birthday cake that was there. It is the quintessential supermarket birthday cake.


I get supermarket birthday cakes. They are totally necessary and important and so it is natural for people to be interested in them. They are for children at birthday parties mostly.

Children are unable to appreciate effort. This is because they have learned that as soon as something becomes difficult they can give up and if it is important someone else will take care of it. So effort is stupid to them. With this in mind you can understand why only an insane person would put effort into making a cake for a whole party of children. Children also absolutely love mass produced garbage. The mutual love of junk is how they form peer bonds. Anything home made is more likely to provoke a hostile reaction. Some adults still think this way (although that lady is learning the error of her ways) and that is why the more grown up cakes exist.

Back at the ranch I had become excited to eat cake. I made a bunch of coffee and took some photos.


The bars of health are surely a problem. They should all be red. This is a birthday cake not a Eucharist cake.


The ingredients are absolutely fine.


This was a major problem. I had definitely not anticipated an activity. Now I was bound to host a lone birthday activity party for myself.



By the time I’d finished I was completely wired and had tripped right through morning cake time and into lunchtime. I was going to have to wait until the second cake time of the day, mid afternoon, to eat cake.

Not sure who that activity is for really, apart from someone in my kind of situation I guess. The cake won’t be out of the box until birthday and by the end of birthday the cake will not exist. It is an unfortunate child that spends its birthday making card bunting for its own cake. Not that a child would do it. It was effort.

Birthday cakes date from the Romans.

By mid afternoon the sun was out and it was party time.


The first candle I lit immediately burned through the bunting I’d spent all morning making.


I wished that I would now eat cake.


I replicated the serving suggestion as best I could. If you copy the serving suggestion you will struggle to get the 10 advertised servings out of the cake. I’m not sure if that qualifies me for a refund…also, whilst not completely satisfied I was still in the exact mood that I had expected to be in when it came to eating the cake. And also besides, I’d already cut the box up. What if you’re not 100% satisfied with your bunting? Notice that the saturation and contrast has been turned up on the box photo. The grain of the cake is more coarse in real life.


The cake is sweet and it hurt my teeth. I didn’t finish my icing. The balloon didn’t taste very nice. The sponge area is fine. It is the quintessential supermarket birthday cake.

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